–jumps up, lands with hands on hip–

Damnit. There was supposed to be music playing. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS INEXCUSABLE MALFUNCTION?!

Let’s try again.

–jumps up, lands with hands up in pose of triumph!–

Um.

–starts humming something that sounds suspiciously like the “Scrubs” theme song–

Who goes there! Halt! I have a loaded weapon!

–holds up a half-eaten banana–
–starts shooting and making firing noises–

Blast, where is my cape? *I was supposed to have a cape.* A shiny red one like Superman. Not a lame one like the black wool ones the cape people at my dorm wore (YES OH MY GOD FOR REALSIES THEY WORE CAPES EVEN IN AUGUST THEY WERE SO WEIRD –gasp– Do you think they were vampires? Like in “Twilight”? No, that couldn’t be right. Vampires are excessively attractive (at least according to the book, but I was NOT pleased with the casting selection for Edward. Please, I had poos that were more attractive than him), and the cape people were more on the unfortunate-looking side of things)).

Speaking mysterious and unfortunate-looking, John Moore called. He just wanted to let you know he read the newest Harry Potter book in exactly four hours and hour minutes. And that his hair is far longer, silkier, and greasier than yours. He tried to do a fist bump, but there were no takers. So he fist-bumped himself. I blinked at him. He disappeared immediately, thus proving once again my power of snark.

–disappears in a cloud of glitter and ridicule–